


grumio est in culina

by sayonide



Category: Mean Girls - Richmond/Benjamin/Fey
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:26:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29628369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sayonide/pseuds/sayonide
Summary: Who was Grumio, why the fuck did he want cheese so bad, and how was Gretchen supposed to know how much some mispronounced Latin homework was going to change her life?
Relationships: Karen Smith & Gretchen Wieners
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	grumio est in culina

**Author's Note:**

> this started off as a shitpost around haha grumio is in the kitchen
> 
> how

"Grum- Groom? Groomio?"

Karen leaned over the bed and laughed. "What the hell kind of name is Grumio?" she snickered, and with a groan, Gretchen leaned her head back against the mattress. 

"I don't know, but I want his ass out of the kitchen because I  _ don't _ care about what kind of dinner he wants."

Her friend reached down to pat her head. "It's not that different from English," she pointed out. "Grumio est in culina, and he really wants some caseus for his cena."

"Kinky," Gretchen muttered in response. "Hands up if you too would love to have caseus on John Cena."

She yelped when the comment got her a swat on the head, and Karen slid her entire upper body down to the same level on the ground. "Here, Gru-mi-o est in cu-li-na, et vult cas-eus."

"Grumio est in culina-"

"That's  _ not _ how you pronounce it," Karen interrupted, and her mouth was open as if she was ready to tell Gretchen exactly how badly she'd screwed up that four-word phrase when a low hum filled the air.

Slowly, she glanced to the door and back to Karen, whose face was weirdly blue, and Gretchen almost reached out a hand to make sure she was breathing before realizing that the blue was from a glow behind her that Karen happened to have been staring at right that moment. Turning around to face the same direction, she almost screamed at the blue  _ decay _ that seemed to be taking over the closet door. 

As they watched, a hand came through, then the top of a head, dark and messy blonde hair pulling free behind it. The humming grew louder, into what was almost recognizable as words, and with a final push against the doorframe, the entirety of the… figure… stepped into Karen's bedroom.

They stared in silence when the painful, corrupting glow on the closet door faded away to let them see the full figure of the woman - who was  _ very _ obviously a woman at that point, and goddamnit she had  _ boobs _ .

"Not bad," the woman said from her absolute power pose of a position in the middle of Karen's room, and Gretchen realized that it was probably creepy to be staring at a random person's chest, even if said person had appeared half naked in the middle of a bedroom. "This is much better than those old dusty basements. Who's room is this?"

Instinctively, Gretchen turned to look at Karen, who raised a hand. The woman nodded at her in approval, before turning and dropping onto the desk chair beside her. "A good room. I can accept this for my stay."

They watched her for a few seconds more, and Karen cleared her throat. 

"So, what are you doing in my room?"

"And who are you?" Gretchen interjected, but the woman just looked up from where she'd been patting down the chair like an extremely underpaid security guard. 

"Well, I'm Regina, of course. Do you have a purpose for me to be here? Or do I find one for myself?"

A couple more beats of confusion, before Gretchen turned back to her friend right as Karen leaned forward. 

"I don't think that this is one of Grumio's ingredients," she whispered, and Karen shrugged, helpless.

"Maybe she  _ is _ Grumio?" she suggested, and the speed at which the woman - Regina? - snapped her head over to look at them would have been funny if it hadn't been downright terrifying. 

"I take it you don't have a purpose," she stated. "I'll have to just make one up, then. What are your names?"

"Gretchen," Gretchen blurted out. "This is Karen, why are you in her room, what's going on?"

A slow smile spread across Regina's face, and she leaned an arm against the back of the chair, almost like she was bored. "You ask a lot from me for someone with no purpose," she mused, and the sharp toothed smile she sent over like  _ Gretchen _ was one of Grumio's ingredients - maybe she really  _ was _ Grumio, because holy shit that was scary - before she snapped her fingers, slow and casual. "I'd like for you to shut up, though."

Gretchen opened her mouth with furrowed brows to ask hey, what the hell? 

At least, she tried.

Her jaw locked shut and slammed her teeth together, painfully, and she let out a completely silent whimper as Karen stared on in horror.

"Actually," her friend said, quiet, just loud enough to catch Regina's attention. "I do have a purpose for you, if that's what you want."

Regina turned her sharp, menacing smile over, and tilted her head. "Yes?"

Gretchen watched, terrified, as Karen breathed in before practically yelling out, "Spero te suffer et verpa testiculum nervumque cruciatu!"

Well. She wasn't entirely sure what Karen had just said, but judging by the word  _ testiculum _ and the extra edge that jumped into Regina's grin, it wasn't a very good choice.

"You think you're clever, don't you," Regina hissed out through the smile. "Good with words and witty, you pride yourself on that, huh?"

Karen scratched at her neck. "Well, not reall-"

"You shouldn't have phrased it as a hope," she interrupted. "You shouldn't have given me any loopholes."

"I'll keep that in mind," Karen joked, and Gretchen almost yelled that it  _ really _ wasn't the time for joking before remembering that her jaw had effectively been sprung shut. 

Regina hummed, relaxing just a bit more into the stolen chair. "It's too bad you'll never use that knowledge," she said, quieter and softer, and with a wave of her hand… Nothing happened.

From the pleased expression on Regina's face, Gretchen expected… Something. Maybe some noise, like the one her jaw had made as it snapped shut the first time. Instead, though, she was faced with silence.

She twisted around to tap at Karen's knee, but froze when she looked up at her friend's face. It was almost frozen into a smile, relaxed and dazed, before she looked down at Gretchen. 

"Hi," she giggled -  _ giggled  _ \- and something was  _ wrong _ . Something was very much not right, and Gretchen turned to stare at Regina in horror. Sometime in the time she'd been turned around, Regina had materialized some clothes in from somewhere, and was admiring the shine of her pure white top. 

She looked up at Gretchen's eyes, and rolled her own in response. "It's so much easier this way," she said, like it was some obvious, simple answer. Lightly, Gretchen stretched her mouth open, cautious, only to recoil when it nearly snapped shut again.

Regina watched her, amused, before her eyes widened. 

"I do still need one of you for school, don't I?" 

Gretchen blinked at her, before widening her eyes in excitement. The woman just laughed, waving a hand around in the air. 

"You  _ are _ quite the chatterbox. Never really stop running your mouth. I could use that," she said, and leaned forward in the seat. "I could definitely use that."

Excitement welled back up in Gretchen, because she was  _ needed _ and would have her voice back, so it wasn't like Regina was going to stupify her for whatever like she had with Karen.

Regina reached up a hand, and snapped.

Same way she had earlier.

Gretchen stretched her mouth open again, and let out a whoop when it didn't snap shut again immediately after. 

Her attention was drawn immediately back to the chair when Regina let out yet another hum, attention secure on her. "You'll tell me what I need to know, then?" she purred, and Gretchen nodded, too overwhelmed with the feeling of  _ finally _ , because she'd just lost the ability to make any sound except pained clacking and being able to talk was  _ glorious _ .

"Anything you want," she promised, and Regina smiled, sharp and wicked. 

"Good girl," she said, making Gretchen practically preen at the praise. She could be a good friend. A good information collector. That was their deal, and she was going to fulfill it. Anything Regina wanted to know.

From behind her, Karen giggled again and rustled some papers.

"Heh, Grum-io. Grumpy-o."

**Author's Note:**

> as of the time of posting (00h03 PST, 2021-2-22) this is the 666th fic in mean girls and yes i absolutely needed to claim that


End file.
